A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said,
"I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want.
"As you wish," the genie replied.
POOF! he turned into a toilet seat.
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there.
He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years goes by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door.He opens it up and no one is there.
He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.
The snail says, "What the fuck was that all about?"
"Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They are mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"
Q What do women & computers have in common ???
A: You forget how much you need them until they go down on you !
5 kinds of sex
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
IT'S THE WAY IT IS Two coeds agreed to room together, neither knowing that the other was a lesbian. Unfortunately, due to a mixup, there was only one bed in the room, and they were forced to share it. Lying there, her heart thumping in her chest, one of the girls snuggled close to the other and said, "Listen, I'll be frank"
"No," whispered the other girl, "let me be Frank.You can be yourself.
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.
One day the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find > the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
Four Surgeons were taking a coffee break, discussing their work. The
first
said. "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them
up and everything inside is numbered."
The Second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You
open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, " I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and
everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless,
spineless, gutless and their head and their butt are interchangeable."
Q: Generic Drug Names
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
And so on...
What's the generic name for Viagra?
A:Mycoxafailin
I heard a truck load of viagra was stolen in CA last week.. The cops are
looking for 3 hardened criminals!!
Another Irish Joke
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after
martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the
jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman
started to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives."
Went to a bar had to much to drink went home a took advantage of myself...
I feel so vialated.... Oh myyy.
Dirty Disney
Joke
The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on
comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not."
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?," Dopey
questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope. "There are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly," are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
Modern Science
An elderly couple -- she was 85, he was 90 -- decided
that they would take advantage of modern science to
conceive another child. They discussed it with a
fertility expert who said it was indeed possible. The
doctor gave the couple a jar and asked them to return a
semen sample the next day.
The next day, the couple presented the doctor with an
empty jar. The husband apologized, "I tried my right
hand...I tried my left hand... My wife tried her right
hand...My wife tried her left hand. She took her teeth
out and used her mouth. We still couldn't get the lid
off the jar."
NURSE: Doctor, the Invisible Man is here in the waiting room.
DOCTOR:Tell him I can't see him
A patholigist being questioned in a trial.
Lawyer: When he came in, did you check his pulse?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for a blood pressure?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Is it possible that he was alive, Doctor?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Why not?
Doctor: Because his brain was in a jar on my desk.
Lawyer: Isn't it possible that he was still alive?
Doctor: I suppose he could've be a lawyer some where.
Q: How do you know God isn't a woman?
A: If God were a woman, cum would taste like chocolate.
Q: Would a clever woman make a good wife?
A: A clever woman won't BECOME a wife!
Q:How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts of by saying " A man once told me...."
What are the three biggest lies a cowboy tells?
1. The truck is paid for.
2. I quit drinking.
3. I was only trying to help that sheep over the fence.
Quote:
When God made women he made ulcers at the same time
Mans' Sympathy
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf
course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a
funeral
procession on the road next to the golf course. He stops in mid-swing,
takes
off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend
says,
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.
You
truly are a kind man."
The man then replies "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
Dirty Disney Joke
The next day, the couple presented the doctor with an empty jar. The husband apologized, "I tried my right hand...I tried my left hand... My wife tried her right hand...My wife tried her left hand. She took her teeth out and used her mouth. We still couldn't get the lid off the jar."
NURSE: Doctor, the Invisible Man is here in the waiting room.
DOCTOR:Tell him I can't see him
A patholigist being questioned in a trial.
Lawyer: When he came in, did you check his pulse?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for a blood pressure?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Is it possible that he was alive, Doctor?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Why not?
Doctor: Because his brain was in a jar on my desk.
Lawyer: Isn't it possible that he was still alive?
Doctor: I suppose he could've be a lawyer some where.
Q: How do you know God isn't a woman?
A: If God were a woman, cum would taste like chocolate.
Q: Would a clever woman make a good wife?
A: A clever woman won't BECOME a wife!
Q:How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts of by saying " A man once told me...."
What are the three biggest lies a cowboy tells?
1. The truck is paid for.
2. I quit drinking.
3. I was only trying to help that sheep over the fence.
Quote:
When God made women he made ulcers at the same time
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says,
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."