Titanic-Reader's Digest Version

The actual sinking of the Titanic took only four hours; the movie is easily three times that long. For those of you with short attention spans, the following is the script for a shorter version of "Titanic."

(Scene 1)

KATE WINSLET: My, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes, it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DiCAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet. Women will find this very attractive, even though I have the body of a 12 year old.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANC=C9: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiance's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiance, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw a small child into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 12, so we are on his side. Boo!)

(Scene 2)

LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the back seat of a car (probably his) and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Damn straight we would ! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off all your clothes.
KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks thefilm is in release, every single showing at the Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)

(Scene 3)

FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg!
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: Huh?
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?

(Scene 4)

LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible. And I am the only passenger that has noticed that there are not enough lifeboats! Everybody else took New Math in school.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified-because-we're-pretty behavior?
KATE: Certainly. (kisses him)
WEASELLY FIANCE: I'm getting the raw end of the deal here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to falsely accuse you of a crime, then handcuff you to this pipe here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously. LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Also, all of the women in the audience would get up and leave. Of course, you're going to die anyway.
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Booooooo!!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed. It's in the script.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed!
WEASELLY FIANCE: I really hate you people.

(Scene 5)
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat to begin with, and not nearly frozen my ass off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need another Depends. Turn down that Enya music,it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, in my day - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie Oceanologist! I'd turn you over my knee, if I could bend it. I'll beat you in the head with this huge extremely rare blue diamond! Hey, come back here! (FADE TO BLACK; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)

THE END